Coping With Regret Over Lost Journals And Starting Again

[Pussinboots]

Have you ever destroyed journals and then regretted it afterwards? I destroyed ten years worth of journals about ten years ago as I suddenly, out of nowhere, got paranoid about them being seen, I later regretted it and started again, filled quite a few books then went through the same paranoia and threw them away, again regretted it and started again.

 

Whilst there were some rantings in those past notebooks that I wouldn't have wanted anyone to see, there were also things in there that I would have wanted to keep but at the time I felt that tearing out the pages of rants would have ruined the book and the other entries so the whole lot went.

 

As from last year I have started again. I have a pretty book which is almost full and I have been writing in it as and when I need to talk about something (as I did in the past), I also keep my visual diary which is just day to day stuff and where I paste in pictures and ticket stubs etc. I find I am still wary of writing any rants incase I feel the urge to destroy the whole journal again. I do want my main journal to be about my thoughts and feelings and not just daily events (the visual diary is for that) but anything too near to the bone that may offend someone I don't know where to write it.

 

Where do you write out your rants and do you keep them?

 

How do you get over the loss of destroyed or lost journals? There was lots of information and feelings about events in there that I wish I still had to look back on.

[JimCouch]

I write pretty much everything in my journals, rants, hopes, fears, confessions. I would not want many people to read them, and I do wonder what to do long term. My wife reads them every now and then which is fine but I would not want most other people reading them. At some point I might destroy them, but for now I am keeping them.

[LuckyKate]

I'm sorry for your pain. I cringe at the thought of someone reading my journals, and I would be miserable writing in them if I thought anyone would read them.

 

As it is I keep them locked up and out of sight, not that anyone in my current household would read my journals. There are also benefits to having terrible handwriting. I can barely read my own rants and when I look over them they are so boring I can't even imagine anyone taking the trouble to read them. And about other people's rants I am very forgiving as I usually throw them away or delete them the minute I detect the "rant vibe." Rants are for the ranter, not the rantee and most sane people know this.

 

What to do? You destroyed the journals to get a sense of safety and protection from the fear of their being read, but in fact you caused yourself pain, not comfort by destroying them.

 

I would suggest not destroying the journals again. Hide them, get a good strong safe or keep them in a bank vault if you think the people around you might be tempted to read them.

[domnortheast]

I keep mine and I kind of figure that, while they contain the good, the bad and the downright ugly, should anyone ever be bored enough to want to plough through the pages of mostly day to day tedious human drivel then the worst that they'll find is that...well...I'm me.

 

So don't destroy your journals, when you are gone they will provide a window into your heart and soul for those you leave behind and while you are still here they provide a reference for you and the worst they can do is show someone that you are human...no apologies needed for that.

[Pussinboots]

Thank you for your replies. I know I need to get rid of this fear and just write what I want. I find it easy to keep full journals locked away but my current one is usually with me and there is always that 'what if' anyone gets in my bag or I have an accident and then my bag and its contents are vulnerable to all and sundry.

 

How do I get over the lost journals? I know I can't go back and retrieve them all over again, all I can do is start again and not make the mistakes of destroying them again. I could write rants on separate paper I guess but I don't know if that would feel the same.

[Oldtimer]

Have you ever destroyed journals and then regretted it afterwards? I destroyed ten years worth of journals about ten years ago as I suddenly, out of nowhere, got paranoid about them being seen, I later regretted it and started again, filled quite a few books then went through the same paranoia and threw them away, again regretted it and started again.

 

Whilst there were some rantings in those past notebooks that I wouldn't have wanted anyone to see, there were also things in there that I would have wanted to keep but at the time I felt that tearing out the pages of rants would have ruined the book and the other entries so the whole lot went.

 

As from last year I have started again. I have a pretty book which is almost full and I have been writing in it as and when I need to talk about something (as I did in the past), I also keep my visual diary which is just day to day stuff and where I paste in pictures and ticket stubs etc. I find I am still wary of writing any rants incase I feel the urge to destroy the whole journal again. I do want my main journal to be about my thoughts and feelings and not just daily events (the visual diary is for that) but anything too near to the bone that may offend someone I don't know where to write it.

 

Where do you write out your rants and do you keep them?

 

How do you get over the loss of destroyed or lost journals? There was lots of information and feelings about events in there that I wish I still had to look back on.

Write your rants in digital format and password protect them!

Whatever we write down isfor the eyes of someone in the future who may not be you, will probably NOT be you, anyway.

[Pussinboots]

Write your rants in digital format and password protect them!

Whatever we write down isfor the eyes of someone in the future who may not be you, will probably NOT be you, anyway.

Thanks for this but I do prefer journaling by hand, I use my laptop for most things but journaling I do like handwrite, especially when I am out and about.

[CAG_1787]

Many historical figures asked that whoever survived them to destroy their journals. You could try that. You could even put a note in the beginning of each to that effect. I doubt I'll ever be important enough to have a reputation to protect.

[blINK]

Write your rants in digital format and password protect them

I fear that considering the

 

1) Overreaching government access into our electronic devices, and

2) Current state of cyber-security today

 

That digital format would be the least effective way of preventing someone from reading the journals.

[77kath]

I write my rants on the other sides of calligraphy practice sheets. Throw them away. Journal things I want to remember. The journals ar not in order.

[bassmannate]

If you use good encryption, electronic journaling should be pretty safe. It takes a lot of resources to crack decent encryption even for the government.

[drv1913]

I do not have any of my diaries from childhood through high school. My mother kept reading them, and I would destroy them each time I found out. Even though I seldom go back and read or even leaf through any of my notebooks, I do wish that I had those now. However, I firmly believe that there is no point in agonizing over things that I can no longer do anything about. I have diaries from college to present, so that will have to be enough. I find it comforting to know that I have some sort of record of most of my life even if I never look at it. I do have some scrapbooks from junior high and high school, so that period of my life is not completely lost.

 

I write any and everything in my notebooks, including rants and cringe-worthy feelings. Since you already like to use visual journal techniques, one thing that you could do is paint/collage/whatever over the ranty pages and use them as a base for new art. If you wanted to, you could do this in such a way as to leave key words and phrases revealed - enough to give you a feel for what was there, but not enough for anyone other than you to understand. Another option would be to write new stuff along a perpendicular line from the old stuff. So, if you normally write in portrait layout from top to bottom, write a new entry in horizontal layout. Continue layering new entries, each one written at a right angle to the last one (turning the page so that you end up with some writing upside down in both layouts), until none of them are legible. This has the advantage of letting you get the rants out of your system while also saving more good paper for more positive entries.

[Sailor Kenshin]

I like the idea of covering-over-with-art.

[knarflj]

I try not to write anything in my journal that would give unnecessary pain to a loved one who read it after I am gone - partly because at that point, there would be nothing I could do to apologize or explain, and partly because experience tells me that when I feel like writing something hurtful, there's usually something in my own attitude and heart that is better without the reinforcement that clear thinking and writing provide. So I usually refrain from rants for my own sake If I do feel compelled to rant - about people I know, at least: corporations, public figures, and the government are fair game - I write on a separate paper and destroy very shortly after writing.

 

I'm sorry you've lost your old journals. I don't often look at mine, but it's nice to know they're there if I want them. Here's hoping you find a way that works for you to keep the new lot!

[bogiesan]

You can search this forum folder for simialr threads started by a young woman (although you can pretend to be anyone on the interwebs). She was pretty messed up over how to protect her journals from prying eyes and I think she ended up destroying some of them.

 

I think as you get older, assuming you're not certifiably paranoid, or worse, you realize you and your opinions are not terribly important and what you write in your private notebooks is not going to affect much of anything in theis world. And you learn to self-censor what could be horribly hurtful; you learn the not subtle differences between observation and being wicked and spiteful and a jerk.

 

But there's this thing called "fiction" and just writing something down or getting it published does not mean or even indicate that is how you really feel or think or behave. Writing is creative and it is a purgative, a legitimate form of therapy.

 

If you are totally freaked out about who sees your journals, get a cheap safe at Costco or Harbor Frieght or some other lockable box or case. Keep your deeply personal journals in the box. Adds mystery and ritual to your life as a diarist or journalist.

 

Aside: Several years ago, Terri Gross, host of NPR's Fresh Air, interviewed an author whose mother, as she was dying, bequeathed her journals to her daughter and told her where they were hidden. They had led troubled lives, complicated by abuse and alcohol and worse. Years passed before she had the courage to locate the journals and open them.

They were all empty--totally blank--not a word in any of them.

 

My journals are not important to my family but my son and his kids might find them entertaining or even illuminating after I'm dead or incapacitated.

[SallyLyn]

I prefer to think better of myself (took some years to have that thinking). If I got rid of my journals I felt something, a fear, that was true to me and did the best thing for me to get rid of them. If you had kept them feeling that concern it most like would have been a terrible life for you with perhaps terrible outcome. -- In such situations I will have something like magical thinking -- In this case wishing I could have put the journals in some safe vault to still have access today, but also have a life without the fear they would be read, I would be exposed, doom, gloom...

 

While it is useful, could be educational and help with growth to see what we were thinking I/you are where we are today because of that past thinking and even the actions of destroying the journals. The action and result of that thinking has already been done.

 

While deep thinking is good I believe wandering around in the past is a waste of my life now. Can I grow from the past and perhaps do better today. Yes. Too often I and I expect others keep trying to redo the past and never live today. That's a pity.

[stonezebra]

I used to write my ranting purging kind of pages in a cheap wirebound notebook (or loose sheets of paper) so I could easily tear the pages out and shred them later when I'd gotten over my 'temper tantrum'. I also like the idea of covering those pages that are in a bound notebook with art-work.

[annettefhorn]

This is not fool-proof, but you could ask someone you trust to destroy the journals, or hide and edit them, or whatever, if something happens to you. I knew someone who had a journal dedicated to rants about her (beloved) husband, so she could vent without hurting him. Her sister knew where the journal was and could destroy it unread as needed.

[byggyns]

With my journalling, I simply don't care. If someone goes into a personal journal, they should expect that what they read there is personal, unfiltered and uncensored. IF they are so shallow to think that they are the only ones with private thought lives and don't express everything they are thinking to their friends and relatives, they are deluding themselves. I personally don't care if someone reads the thoughts in my journals. If they want to go there, they should expect what they read to be unflattering and frank and they will only get to know me better by reading it. If that makes them think less of me for what thoughts go through my head, they should realize they have it backwards. They should think better of me for not saying all those things out loud and hurting their feelings. Hiding who you are in your journal is disingenuous. Fear of what people think about who you really are is crippling to your spirit. If they don't like you, get over it, they can go pack sand.

[domnortheast]

With my journalling, I simply don't care. If someone goes into a personal journal, they should expect that what they read there is personal, unfiltered and uncensored. IF they are so shallow to think that they are the only ones with private thought lives and don't express everything they are thinking to their friends and relatives, they are deluding themselves. I personally don't care if someone reads the thoughts in my journals. If they want to go there, they should expect what they read to be unflattering and frank and they will only get to know me better by reading it. If that makes them think less of me for what thoughts go through my head, they should realize they have it backwards. They should think better of me for not saying all those things out loud and hurting their feelings. Hiding who you are in your journal is disingenuous. Fear of what people think about who you really are is crippling to your spirit. If they don't like you, get over it, they can go pack sand.

+1 for those sentiments