Jump to content
Classifieds is broken, please do not submit any new ads ×
  • entries
  • comments
  • views

Jumping To Conclusions




I was chagrined this morning to discover that one of Our Esteemed and Highly Valued Moderators (do not confuse OEHVM with OEIG - one set of people works, the other is a little flawed) was having trouble with his Interwebtube Connection.


Naturally he was extremely upset and rashly jumped to the conclusion that the Electrical Computer Wire and Cable Providers were to blame!

Luckily I was able to throw some light on his problem when I informed him that Ernst had been in his area for the last week, on a field trip with the Irish Turnip Fanciers & Long Distance Crochet Association, and also that he brought a small shovel (samples for the digging of).

Thank Heavens the source of the trouble was identified before our OEHVN Member did, said, or wrote something he would later come to regret.


While, as my Dear Reader will be aware, I am the most modest of men, I have to admit to having a warm feeling after solving yet another of Mankind's mysteries.On a side note: there was a fearful argument between Ernst and myself last evening. As you already know we have just about reached a stage in our researches into Cold Fusion where we are ready for Testing.There had been some small difficulties with the High Energy Potato Collider. I realised (after a couple of wee drams of port) in a moment of astounding clarity that the difficulty was being caused by Quantum Entanglement ("why didn't you think of that immediately" I hear you say - I know, silly me!) between the potatoes.


Having fired potatoes into both ends of the System we found that after Collision, there was only ONE potato!Consternation! Much muttering! Great over-use of exclamation marks!!It finally hit me like a bolt from the blue - both potatoes were occupying the same space and time. What a breakthrough!The row broke out when Ernst insisted that there was only ONE potato! Sometimes he really tries my patience! Further bulletins will issue as we proceed.Regards,Ruaidhrí* In the unlikely event that Irish Turnip Fanciers & Long Distance Crochet Association is unknown to you, I should perhaps add a little of its background:


The Association was founded in the little village of Kinnegad in 1642 by Father Pádraig Óg Blikenstein-O'Flannery and Seán Micheál Bourke (of the West Kerry Sweeneys - a long story).The initial aim of the Association was to "catalogue all ye knowne turnyps of the Realm and Beyond, forminge Ye Mighty Tome of Reference, with ye Crochetted Cover of Great Beauty".


It was later used as a tool of revolution, when Irish Rebels allowed copies of the Ms, cunningly re-titled "Rules and Strategems for Foyling English Occupation" to fall into the hands of the Dreaded Sassenachs.This action had the effect of tying up large numbers of their intelligence staff trying to decode the seemingly cryptic references.


The ruse was finally discovered when Colonel James Worthington-Smythe of the Queen's Own Short Swords and Daggers tried one of the patterns and found it actually was a real crochet pattern.


This had two effects. The first was to free up intelligence staff with the result that Ireland remained part of Great Britain for some time afterwards, the second was that ever since that fateful day, the Queen's Own Short Swords and Daggers wear a small (tasteful) patch of crochet on the top of their berets as a reminder of Worthington-Smythe's discovery.


In latter years the Association has gone back to its roots as a scientific group of people, happily travelling the world recording their turnip discoveries, and competing in full contact crochet tournaments on an international basis.



Recommended Comments

Dear Sir.If I may be so bold as to suggest that both you and your humble servant may be right in this rare instance. I believe the fusion opened up a temporary rift between parallel universes. So technically there are still two potatoes, but there is only one in each universe.Yours trulyD.ick

Link to comment
Ruaidhrí Jnr


Schrödinger's Potato: A potato, along with a flask containing a poison and a radioactive source, is placed in a sealed box shielded against environmentally induced quantum decoherence. If an internal Geiger counter detects radiation, the flask is shattered, releasing the poison that kills the potato. The Copenhagen interpretation of quantum mechanics implies that after a while, the potato is simultaneously alive and dead. Yet, when we look in the box, we see the potato either alive or dead, not both alive and dead.Either way it's had its chipsJnr

Link to comment


Oh my, oh my! I wonder what Ernst got into just a few days ago? I feel certain that thought he'd be helping you fix up the Turnip Patch debacal and somehow brought the whole network down? Or perhaps he inserted a turnip he dug up into your cold fusion generator?

Well I'm glad we are back up and running. Looking forward to your investigative report as to what casued the recent problems.


Link to comment

Create an account or sign in to comment

You need to be a member in order to leave a comment

Create an account

Sign up for a new account in our community. It's easy!

Register a new account

Sign in

Already have an account? Sign in here.

Sign In Now

  • Create New...