Ghosts In My Address Book

[ralphawilson]

I've been exchanging handwritten letters and postcards for about a dozen years, mostly with folks met on FPN. It's been a great pleasure, and never more so than now during the pandemic. My correspondents are among my closest friends (albeit geographically distant).

 

I recently took a look at the well-worn little book I write the names and addresses of my correspondents. There are well over 60 contacts recorded there. Maybe a dozen are active now. In the large majority of cases, when an exchange stopped, I just stopped receiving replies from that person. No explanations or "last letters" were received; I usually regretted the sudden end of the thread.

 

In three or four cases, it was I who stopped replying. I regret the times I broke off an exchange without offering an explanation. In every case, the honest explanation would have been that I didn't feel there was enough of a shared connection, enough material to write about, that would interest us both.

 

For some reason, this seems to be hard to tell someone. One of my pen friends said he's just told folks his life had gotten too busy to allow time for letters. A white lie, he acknowledges: it's really not about time but about interest. But I give him credit for not ghosting.

 

For myself, I've decided never again to break off a correspondence without an honest explanation. Since I'm so fond of my current batch of pen pals, several of whom go back a dozen years, I don't expect to have this problem any time soon.

 

How do you handle this situation? Does it hurt to have a correspondence end abruptly? Do you try rekindle interest by sending another letter? Do you have any regrets about stopping writing?

[pajaro]

Yes, I regret stopping writing. Reluctant to hurt someone's feelings by asking for a pause in writing as I was at a loss of what to continue with. I should that I should have been frank and we might have come up with material to discuss.

[AmandaW]

I only ever exchanged a single postcard with each person because I feared being rejected if I were to attempt a real conversation about anything that mattered. I regret that.

[asnailmailer]

There is no schedule or deadline for replying to letters written by penfriends. There is no timescale. It is not a business arrangement or contract, nor is it homework due by Friday. Life, events, even death happens. Unforeseen, unexpected. You cannot expect someone to always send an advisory note of their inability to entertain correspondence for an unknown duration to everyone.

 

E.g. Someone's family member/loved one has suddenly died. Would you have that someone handwrite a letter directed at you (and to other people), or send a letter/email with the same wording to everyone? Perhaps that someone has lost more than a family member, but their home too (I know of a someone in this situation) -would you have this person spend their time on informing everyone, instead of trying to sort out their living situation, and whatnot?

 

I could have submitted this reply as is, unfinished, but with a p.s. explaining I needed to go to the toilet and therefore was unable to complete the reply in one sitting. But instead, I left the window open, went to the toilet, mulled over possible responses while washing my hands for at least 20 seconds.

 

Do you drop everything you are doing, (e.g. in the middle of cooking, or having a shower) to answer a telephone, or let it go to the answering machine? Perhaps you change the answering machine message to explain exactly why you can't come to the phone right now (more than saying that you are unavailable) rather than tell a small untruth. 

 

You might not feel like responding to a particular person write right now, instead want to reply to someone else first. There may be a time you would feel like responding. 

 

Are there people you've not seen for years (e.g. old schoolfriends), but when you do see them, the conversation flows naturally again from the last occasion you saw them, picking up where you left off?

 

I have sent out letters after correspondence seems to have paused. One of the recipients, I knew had been having a hard time in life (family illness(es)) and I didn't feel like pressurising for letters as soon as I realised there was a pause. The pause was for at least a year. 

 

 

 

[kazoolaw]

Ralph-

What a perfect image:  ghosts in our address books!

I came across old letters with addresses from former correspondents.  I don't remember why we stopped exchanging notes, but to both of them I wrote to let them know I hoped they were well, and wished them the best.  Without return addresses, without any pressure to resume.

I think some word to let the other know that the letter exchange is ending is warranted.  Don't think a full confessional is warranted, maybe an epistolary version of the "It's not you it's me" break-up line.

Thanks for your word picture,

gary

 

[Cedar]

Very interesting topic. Most of my long time pen pals have discussed this issue. And, yes, there are nearly always feelings involved of varying scales when we are ghosted. Over time I find that I just think that most people have gotten busy with other things or just lost interest. And sometimes I window peep on FPN to see if they are still active or whether they've just seemed to have left the fountain pen passion behind. Sometimes the way the person presented themselves was not the way I perceived them and we just couldn't make a connection. Some don't seem to want any personal connection which makes it hard to make a connection and why would I want that, anyway? 

However, I will admit that I have done it. Just fallen off because I did not know how to handle the ending.