Holding On To Negative Stuff

[Citygirl]

Please can you help settle a friendly debate. A friend of mine thinks that holding on to negative memories, mainly in journals and diaries isn't good and it makes you relive it all over again. She feels it's best to keep the positive stuff and write the negative stuff to offload but destroy it afterwards.

 

I tend to agree in one way as I do have diaries where I've ranted on and reading it back can be exhausting but then again I also realise that life isn't all roses but is there a difference between keeping a brief record of negative events and keeping pages and pages of it.

 

I am now tempted to just keep a daily record of my life for prosperity and working stuff out or ranting on seperate paper and destroying it.

[NastyV6]

i can see where your friend is coming from and you could easily argue that point, but it could also be used as a tool for self reflection. Instead of "reliving the bad memories" you could see yourself from another perspective, like wow this particular thing/person etc. made me feel this way, or I've come so far since then in the way i approach/handle things, or maybe i can start doing this better. Our experiences mold us to who we are, and the more we can learn from them the better we can become.

 

you could also do some sort of experiment to where you try this new method and see how it works out after a month or so. if it helps you express yourself better and you see a nice change then roll with it. (but under no circumstances tell your friend they were right! lol jk)

[NinthSphere]

For me anyway, going over negative events just tends to make me po'd all over again, so I suppose I tend to agree with your friend.

[Citygirl]

Thank you for your replies. There is for and against for both reasons I suppose. My friend says that you can remember how you dealt with stuff in the past without having to read it back but I think you can still learn from it.

 

I am going through an angry phase at the moment, I am really annoyed about something or rather someone and I know the only way I can deal with it is by hashing it out on paper and it will be pages and pages of rants, is this worth keeping?

 

There is also the privacy element. Writing down something negative about someone and keeping it - what if they ever find it is another dilemma.

[Bluey]

 

 

I am going through an angry phase at the moment, I am really annoyed about something or rather someone and I know the only way I can deal with it is by hashing it out on paper and it will be pages and pages of rants, is this worth keeping?

No.

Get it out of your system where it will help you arrive at a solution and a way of dealing with it emotionally or whatever, and then move on with your life. There's no point staying in the past.

 

I will just add that, symbolically, throwing it away is like distancing yourself away from past hurt and anger.

Edited July 2, 2016 by Bluey

[inkstainedruth]

I rant in my morning pages journals all the time. And then I close the current volume and go on with my day. If someone reads them after I'm dead and gone, well, it's on them.

I think it's better to let stuff out than to let it fester inside you. Don't let your journal be all sweetness and light because that's not going to be true to yourself. If you want to do a separate journal for the bad stuff which will be destroyed later, that's your decision to make (but for me it would be too complicated, since the MPs are really the first thing I do when I wake up in the morning -- I don't even get out of bed). Two different journals would be a major PITA for me -- YMMV.

Ruth Morrisson aka inkstainedruth

[strictlyobiter]

I keep all of my journals. Some contain particularly bleak times in my life but also contain some amazing times. That's life. I life being able to pluck a particular journal from the shelf and re-read a particular incident (after searching for it). I find it quite cathartic to be honest.

[Citygirl]

Do you keep daily events in your journal too and write that elsewhere?

[strictlyobiter]

Well I use a Hobonichi as my planner for day to day to-do stuff but I only keep one journal and I put basically everything into that. Rants, raves, feelings, lists, thoughts, conversations etc. I wouldn't be able to keep track of a few at once. I actually know a person who keeps a Rant journal and a Rave journal.

[praxim]

Easy, I write what I please then I don't read it again, not by rule but that is what happens. As Ruth says, other people later can think of it as they like.

[Cryptos]

To my way of thinking, and what fits with the philosophy I inevitably get labelled with, if you re-examine the negative things that happen in your life and still get upset to the same degree by them, then you have not learned from them. This isn't just about learning to avoid making the same mistakes again, but also about cultivating equanimity in the face of mishap. The latter is a very useful skill.

[Sailor Kenshin]

Thank you for your replies. There is for and against for both reasons I suppose. My friend says that you can remember how you dealt with stuff in the past without having to read it back but I think you can still learn from it.

 

I am going through an angry phase at the moment, I am really annoyed about something or rather someone and I know the only way I can deal with it is by hashing it out on paper and it will be pages and pages of rants, is this worth keeping?

 

There is also the privacy element. Writing down something negative about someone and keeping it - what if they ever find it is another dilemma.

Use pseudonyms.

[Ghost Plane]

I journal then trash as soon as the notebook is full. If your friend needs to document for law enforcement to issue a restraining order or for an ongoing legal action, that's the only reason I can see for keeping. Otherwise ditch what becomes a focal point for locking oneself into the past.

 

Military psychologists point out that constantly reliving bad stuff literally builds neural pathways to fight or flight reactions. Refocusing on the present and future is far healthier than deepening the neurons pointing to pain.

[Barkingpig]

I journal then trash as soon as the notebook is full. If your friend needs to document for law enforcement to issue a restraining order or for an ongoing legal action, that's the only reason I can see for keeping. Otherwise ditch what becomes a focal point for locking oneself into the past.

 

Military psychologists point out that constantly reliving bad stuff literally builds neural pathways to fight or flight reactions. Refocusing on the present and future is far healthier than deepening the neurons pointing to pain.

I suffered a betrayal from a friend of many years a few years ago; I was annoyed each time I saw his name (address in my Filofax put into use in the 1970s when I didn't realise the use of ink was a bad idea in an address book!) and one day I remembered some bottles of White Out in the desk drawers..........it was a VERY positive moment when I "whited out" his name in the address book.

 

Sure I realise his name is still under the white paint but I also realise I effectively chose to "remove" it from sight & am no longer annoyed when turning to that page in the address book.

[pajaro]

I have written sometimes about stuff that keeps preying on my mind, life's losses and stress. I would destroy it, not wanting my wife to get it and worry. I find it a waste of effort. I had put a lot of stuff out of my mind and the nightmares and waking nightmares went away until an employer hired a bunch of vets who tried to pry out of me my experiences. It all came back. Rehashing this stuff is bad juju.

[Runnin_Ute]

I don't often go back and re-read stuff that I have written like that. For good or bad, I have the ability to once it is out it is out. When I do, inevitably I end up reading something positive. Not sure why/how that happens but it seems to happen.

 

I have 30+ years of Franklin planners (1986 start date) and do occasionally go back, but not very often. For years that book I carried with me - virtually everywhere, was my journal too. On at least a de facto basis. I didn't have a separate journal like I do now. I put class notes, telephone conversations, appointments (home and work), all kinds of stuff in there. For whatever reason, I think keeping it is valuable. If not to me then to someone else down the road.

 

But you need to do what works for you.

[Witsius]

To the OP, perhaps your friend's reasoning is a bit overly simplistic. It assumes that reflecting upon negative events has no value. Let's look at it this way. Should Anne Frank have not kept a diary?

[mhm802]

I went through a particularly bad three year period fifteen years ago and the journal that I kept at that time kept me from completely falling apart. I did not go back and re-read it all (probably 100,000 words), but when I came across the journals about five years ago, I knew I didn't need to hold on to them any more. It was winter; I started a big fire in the fireplace, slowly burnt it all, while silently expressing gratitude for everything that helped me through that dark time. Afterwards, the house felt much lighter, and so did I.

[vjones]

Great discussion.

 

I have some journals from 30 years ago, and some of the negative stuff is not fun to read. On the other hand, it's interspersed with the other stuff that helps me know what I was doing and thinking about in those days (for better or worse.) I have not been a very consistent journal-keeper over the years though, and I'm also pretty sure I did destroy some stuff that I felt had no productive value. I'm not inclined to destroy anything I'm writing these days, but I do tend to shy away from writing negative thoughts down, so the idea of a separate place for venting is an interesting one.

[celesul]

I don't think keeping or tossing the journal is the important part. It's how and when you look back at it. Positive and negative elements are often interspersed with each other. Looking back on things years later can be constructive. Looking at a rant when you're steaming mad isn't. If keeping a negative journal encourages wallowing, then trashing it or destroying it would be better.

 

For what it's worth, I usually only journal much when I'm having a rough time. I keep the journals, but tape them shut, so that I'm not going to randomly read them and get into a funk.