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Answers To An Age Old Question

Posted by Ruaidhri , 10 May 2011 · 1,028 views

While this question was asked down in the bowels of the Forum Leaders' Discussion area where our Moderators have their tea breaks etc., I thought it was of such importance that I shold post the answer here, where at least two people would be able read it.The QuestionSo...how DO you check a pen's gender? Inquiring minds want to know!(For some unknown reason there a rabbit - or possible hare - dancing beside this)The AnswerWhile it is a recognised fact that only those versed in the most esoteric pen lore can deal with your question, I shall give some basic pointers.From a purely scientific point of view, there are a number of simple tests that can be performed to determine the gender of one's pen. The important thing to remember is that the Male Pen is identified by a process of elimination - it is far simpler to spot the Female.To work!.The researcher will need (as well as a selection of pens of unknown gender) some Test Equipment -
  • a ruler
  • chocolates
  • pictures of eg. Brad Pitt, George Clooney, Paul Newman, Colin Farrell and Johnny Depp (whoever they are).
  • some pieces of shiny jewellery
  • several bottles of good quality perfume
  • an ironing board
Procedure (this should be performed several times using each of items 2 to 6 sequentially):
  • Using the ruler, place the pen to be tested 6" (several millipedes if you are a Metric Person, or 1/3 cubits if older) away from the test sample.
  • Note the distance carefully in your notebook.
  • Leave for approximately 1 hour.
  • Remeasure and repeat with next test sample.
Analysis of ResultsIt has been found empirically, that there is little reaction from a Male Pen - although in many trials it was found that the distance will have increased when using Test Item 6.In the case of Female Pens it will usually be found that there is a marked decrease in the separation, indicating some affinity for the test objects - with the exception of Test Item 6.Please bear in mind, Dear Reader, that these are preliminary test results only. According to Cuthbert, there are references in one or two arcane mss in the Library which run contrary to the above.Further research will be needed, but I grow bored, as I am sure you do yourself, and am now off to have a small drop of port.Fond regards,Ruaidhrí




Silly me - I thought all pens with sacs were males. Especially evident (to me) were the lever fillers.

I thought all pens with sacs were males.

From the sac comes the ink from which words of love, wisdom and humour flow - rather like a womb bringing forth new joy into the world. Surely female!

Especially evident (to me) were the lever fillers.

Perhaps like Archimedes' lever it is the female who moves the world?(Thinks: Thank Heavens my third Doctorate was in Sycophancy)Regards,Ruaidhrí
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Ghost Plane
May 11 2011 02:58
And here I've been focused on nice, long, thick, dripping...nibs. :D
The cap that is out is yin. The rest that is in is yang. So a fountain pen is actually a union of two genders - one happy family - mutually co-existing and thus producing loads of venerable off-springs called "literature".

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